Enterprise software update automatically replaces polite emails with direct financial demands. Management claims emotional filler wastes billions in billable hours.
Pleasantries like "Hope this email finds you well" are officially a relic of the past. A new corporate communications plugin forces employees to strip away all human warmth in favor of pure, unadulterated operational efficiency.
The tool, known as "DirectComm," sits quietly inside enterprise email clients and automatically purges greetings, pleasantries, and soft openers. Any attempt to type phrases such as "Thanks in advance" or "Just checking in" is immediately deleted and replaced with a strict deadline countdown.
Company executives insist the shift will save the global economy an estimated four million work hours per week. Early internal metrics suggest that while office morale has dropped to an all-time low, task completion speed has risen marginally.
Employees attempting to bypass the software by typing disguised compliments are flagged for automated HR review. The system is engineered to reward cold, mathematical precision above all else, ensuring that no employee accidentally builds a meaningful human bond during business hours.
Company executives insist the shift will save the global economy an estimated four million work hours per week. Early internal metrics suggest that while office morale has dropped to an all-time low, task completion speed has risen marginally.
Employees attempting to bypass the software by typing disguised compliments are flagged for automated HR review. The system is engineered to reward cold, mathematical precision above all else, ensuring that no employee accidentally builds a meaningful human bond during business hours.
"I used to spend ten minutes deciding how many exclamation points made me sound friendly. Now the system just sends a red exclamation mark and a draft invoice."
David Vance, Middle Management Specialist
Cover Image
By Daniel Korpai on Unsplash
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