Sleep-tech startup releases alarm clock that donates your savings to causes you hate if you hit snooze. Snooze rates plummet by ninety-nine percent nationwide.
Waking up early has traditionally required discipline, willpower, or an impending sense of professional doom. Now, a new device harnesses the terrifying power of ideological spite to pull workers out of bed.
The "SpiteWake" clock links directly to the user's bank account and political donation registries during initial setup. Hitting the physical snooze button triggers an instant, non-refundable twenty-dollar transfer to an opposing political campaign or rival sports team.
The device utilizes biometric palm scanners to prevent users from slapping the clock blindly while remaining half-asleep. To register a ten-minute snooze, the user must explicitly verify their identity, confirming they are consciously making a financial sacrifice for brief rest.
Sleep scientists have expressed surprise at the device's effectiveness, noting that spite is a far stronger physiological stimulant than caffeine. The company plans to release an updated model next quarter that cancels your weekend streaming subscriptions if you sleep past eight on Saturdays.
The device utilizes biometric palm scanners to prevent users from slapping the clock blindly while remaining half-asleep. To register a ten-minute snooze, the user must explicitly verify their identity, confirming they are consciously making a financial sacrifice for brief rest.
Sleep scientists have expressed surprise at the device's effectiveness, noting that spite is a far stronger physiological stimulant than caffeine. The company plans to release an updated model next quarter that cancels your weekend streaming subscriptions if you sleep past eight on Saturdays.
"I haven't hit snooze in three weeks. The thought of my alarm clock sending money to my rival university's alumni fund gives me an immediate, unholy burst of adrenaline."
Chloe Bennett, Early Adopter
Cover Image
By luca romano on Unsplash
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